I have learned a little trick that works for me at least. When I start “thinking” of my triggers and get high anxiety, I cut myself off before the anxiety even starts. So the conversation will go something like this now.
Everything in our lives happens for a reason! Whether you believe it at the time or not, eventually you will see that what happened in your past only made you a stronger person! What happened in the past only made you know more about yourself and what you wanted even more from life!
So stop thinking in the past with the phrase “What if…”. It serves no purpose but to keep you trapped in the past and unable to move forward!
Me: What if he stops loving me?
Brain: Kelly he has been with you for 11 years.
Me: But what if?
Brain: What if, then you pick yourself up and move on.
(Then I start getting rational)
Me: Yes, I know he loves me, I know he loves me because he has all of these wonderful kids that he is a great father too, he is wonderfully intimate with me, if he wasn’t, then that would mean he has lost interest in me and I know it is the complete opposite, I know he loves when I wake up because he gets all excited and sends me smiley faces over IM since he’s at work, I know he loves me because I feel closer to him more now then ever. I know he loves me because I cry as I type this because I just feel how much he loves me. I know he loves me because he understands and wants to learn more and more about bipolar test and my GAD. I know he loves me because I just know.
As I am flying all of this, I am cutting off the bad “what ifs” before they can even start. It is almost like making my mind mushy.
I also have a panic session ten minutes a day that Rich brought up. That is my time to get all of my anxiety out of my head for the day so I can focus. It is a really good thing to do if you have severe GAD like me.
Another conversation might go like this.
Me: What if I am not a good mom?
Brain: You can’t think that way those four kids love you more than anything.
Me: But sometimes I just feel like I’m “here”.
Brain: It is the little things they appreciate and need you for, even if they do not show it all the time.
(Now becoming rational)
Me: True they do love to give me hugs all the time and kisses, they LOVE when I tuck them in at night and can’t go to bed unless I do so. If they are sleeping over at Grampa’s they rush to me when they see me pick them up and the first thing they say is “I love you”. They hold me tight. If there is a fight between them, they rush to me first to “break” it up. If they need me to pick out their clothes and help them along, they come to me. If they want to play their damn Wizard games, they ask me and ask me to set it up. If they need to be tickled, I’m the first one to play and tickle their little bellies.
Brain: Then see, you KNOW deep down they love you. Just because you have normal parenting struggles does not mean you are having a bad day. We all go through thoughts like this and you just have to remind yourself that they love you so much and need you all the time.
It does sometimes take me a few minutes to bypass the “what ifs” but when I do, my mind clears.
My mom told me recently that I will have two steps forward and one step back. I might have two really good anxiety free days but then the next day could be a 3 on my chart like Sunday.
Deflecting in my brain, starting to really work before the bad stuff gets in.
Always keep busy
I have mentioned in the past that keeping busy is key to my anxiety. If I am not busy, I tend to over think and that of course causes stress. I have tried to keep myself as busy as can be, whether that is taking the kids out, reading, or watching my favorite poker player. Today I really sat and thought about how much I think when I am bored. I really over think. Even if I am bored for one minute, there goes the brain into a downward spiral. I also love cleaning, so I like to keep busy chasing the kids all day helping them clean up after themselves. I am trying to teach them how to do that. With anxiety (and bipolar), you don’t want to stew too long.
I want to start the gym back up and need to really get into that. I was doing so well for three months but then quit all of a sudden back in July of this year. I had lost most of the weight I wanted to lose and felt really thin and I was proud of my body for once. I was even off of soda! Then one day, I stopped. No idea why, I do know we were going through some financial “problems” that we worked out quickly, so that might be why I stopped. My gym fee that I pay is $19 a month so it isn’t like it kills me money wise. I have been paying monthly now all year and I am not using it. The downside is that if I want to go, I either have to go at AM, which is so hard, or I have to pay an extra $15 a month to take my youngest child while the other kids are in school. Working out really gets your mind clear. I REALLY want to get back in.